No, I do not know who I am. I do not know who I am going to become. I do not have all of the answers, I have no excuses, I have nothing with which to defend myself. I am not perfect, I am probably not even adequate in a lot of people’s eyes. I don’t know what my standards are and I sure as hell don’t live up to yours.
So why, for the love of God, do I keep trying to compare myself to other people?
I accept and celebrate the successes of others in my life. I love them. But I am not them. The success of others does not negate what I perceive to be success for me. My goals are not your goals.
Right now I am not at my best. I accept that. I accept that there are ways to improve my situation. I also accept that in choosing not to do those things I am putting myself at a disadvantage. I need therapy. I should be swimming more. I shouldn’t let deadlines fly past me. I should take care of myself. I shouldn’t beat myself up for feeling things.
When I go out on weekends and I run into people from the swim team or classes, and I am flying high, brain soaked in alcohol and mouth dry from cigarettes, face sweaty from dancing I am happy but I am not fine. Alcoholism is not the right word. Maybe I self-medicate. But I take comfort in the fact that I managed to catch myself a few weeks ago, when I was drinking myself to exhaustion every night, from going any farther down that path. I still drink. I still smoke. I still fuck up a little (a lot). I am fumbling all over the place. But I take pride in the fact that I have enough presence of mind to know that I am learning. Some other folks might not ever have to learn these things. Some people are mature and responsible enough to never feel disappointed in themselves and angry with the choices that they have made that led them to feel like they are failing. I do not envy them, nor do I think that I am better than them. I, simply, am not one of them. I have had the great fortune of having friends that are inspirational, responsible, intelligent, and patient. But I am not them.
Right now I am young, dumb, irresponsible, impatient, flighty, and immature. I might have some idea of who I want to be. But right now, I am not her. I’m trying really hard to be okay with that.
